Why Do I Keep Explaining Myself When They Already Understand?

Being understood and getting the response you want are not the same thing

Years ago, I walked into one of my daughters’ rooms completely excited about something I had just learned.

Kelly-has-new-information-and-needs-to-tell-a-human-being-immediately excited.

She felt awful that day and had absolutely no energy available to match mine.

She said something I still think about:

I want to be as excited as you are. I’m just not capable of it right now. Come back in a couple of days and I’ll be excited with you. You can tell me now, but I’m not going to give you the response you want.

Well.

That was annoyingly clear.

She understood me.

She cared.

She just couldn’t manufacture the reaction I wanted from her.

And I started noticing how often I had confused those things.

Someone wouldn’t respond the way I hoped, so I would explain again.

Then clarify.

Then give an example.

Then say it a slightly different way because apparently Presentation Number Four was finally going to unlock the correct emotional response.

But sometimes the explanation had already worked.

I just didn’t like where the other person landed.

They might understand and disagree.

They might understand and not be sorry.

They might understand and need time.

They might understand my request and the answer might still be no.

Those are very different problems from misunderstanding.

Relationships are full of little invisible contracts:

If I explain why this hurt me, you should apologize.

If I tell you how important this is, you should care about it the same amount.

If I’m excited, you should be excited with me.

Except nobody necessarily signed that contract.

There is an important catch here.

People can also say they understand when they really don’t.

“I understand, I just disagree” can be completely honest.

It can also be a convenient way to end a conversation.

So before deciding I need to keep explaining, I can stop and ask myself:

If I had to predict what they think I mean, what would they say?

If their version would barely resemble what I’m actually trying to communicate, there may still be something worth clarifying.

But if I think they understand me accurately and the thing I’m still waiting for is agreement, reassurance, remorse, enthusiasm, or changed behavior, then I need to get honest about the actual request.

That gives me another question:

If they understood me perfectly and still didn’t give me the response I wanted, could I stop explaining?

Sometimes something really does still need resolving.

Fine.

Then I can ask for that directly.

“I know you understand. I’m asking whether you’re willing to do something differently.”

“I think you understand me, and I’m realizing I was hoping you would reassure me.”

Or:

“I’ve explained this enough. I don’t think more words are going to change where we each stand.”

That feels very different from trying a sixth explanation.

Being understood and getting the response I want are not the same thing.

And neither person has to pretend they are.